Harry Potter Meets Twilight
by MostDefinitelyFlorentine
Summary: Ever wonder what would happen if the gang from Harry Potter met Bella, Edward, and Jacob? Secrets will be revealed, shirts shall be ripped off, and Ron will vomit. . . repeatedly. Sounds interesting?


Harry Potter Meets Twilight  
"Aah, Cedric! Why are you sparkling?"

Rated T for adult situations and sexual references

It was an ordinary day in Professor Lupin's Defense Against the Dark Arts class, or about as ordinary as it can get when you're a teen wizard, fighting You-Know-Who as well as acne. Harry, Ron, and Hermione had taken the coveted seats up front near the teacher's desk, wondering amongst themselves what the lesson would hold for the day and trying to not pay any attention to Draco Malfoy's jabs at them.

"We'll probably just be covering the next section of the book," said Hermione. "I've already read it—"

"Of course you have," muttered Ron.

"—and I must say, I'm rather excited to learn about erumpets!" she continued, ignoring Ron's interruption.

"Perhaps he brought one of those in," said Harry hopefully. He was counting on a good lesson from his favorite teacher.

"Don't be silly, Harry, their classification is XXXX. They're much too dangerous to bring into a roomful of teenagers!" replied Hermione, which led Ron to saying, "Tell that to Hagrid!"

At that moment, Lupin entered the room looking a bit more disheveled than usual and announced that they would be having a very "special" lesson. That was all he said apart from "Try not to scream."

It was at this time that three people walked in—if you could call them "people". The first one was a pale, sickly girl of about seventeen, who wore quite a dull expression on her face.

The next one was a ripped, brown-skinned boy who looked very angry, as if he wanted to rip his shirt off at any moment.

The final boy was alarmingly attractive—Lavender Brown swooned after one look ("Ronald! Fetch the smelling salts!")—and seemed vaguely familiar, though no one could put their finger on it. He almost glittered in the faint sunlight leaking through the closed windows and leaned protectively over the girl.

"Alright, class, allow me to introduce you to our guests for the day—Bella, Edward, and Jacob," said Lupin as the students ogled the visitors (mostly the pale, handsome boy, Edward).

"Hey," Bella said with absolutely no emotion at all in her voice. Jacob glared at her and ripped his shirt off.

"Now, kids, don't be alarmed," Lupin continued, "but Jacob is a werewolf and Ed here—can I call you Ed?"

"No."

"—Ed happens to be a vampire." A collective gasp swept the room.

"I knew it!" shouted Seamus. "A vampire! Mr. Cornell, fetch the pepper spray! And the oregano!" And with that, he ran from the room screaming about conspiracy theories and whatnot. Edward chose to ignore this.

There was an awkward silence. . .

. . . Until realization dawned upon Ronald Weasley in a rare moment of brilliance when he stood up and said, thunderstruck, "I know who you are!"

Harry's face contorted in shock. "Aah, Cedric! Why are you sparkling?"

There was another loud gasp as Hermione and the others, even Lupin himself, understood. The class seemed to be having some sort of collective panic attack.

"This is the most shocking thing since I caught that Granger girl making out with Draco in a broom closet!" said Pansy Parkinson.

"_What?_" screamed Harry, while Ron promptly proceeded to make sick in the wastebasket by the teacher's desk. Hermione was blushing furiously, muttering something about a lesbian experience and decidedly _not_ looking at Malfoy, who was staring at Jacob with a funny look on his face.

It took half the period, and several more trash cans for Ron, to calm everybody down.

Silence.

"Soooooo. . . nice weather out, huh?" was Jacob's attempt at making small talk. It was evident that there was no learning going on as the professor was hitting himself over the head with what later proved to be Captain America's shield.

Unfortunately, the calm didn't last long. After Jacob's weather comment, Edward the vampire began to have a spasmodic fit of some kind, thrashing and spitting venom all over the place like a demented and/or rabid cat. Bella, still looking like she was recovering from a bad bout of pneumonia, didn't say or do anything (no surprise there). It seemed that it was an unspoken rule not to question Edward's fits.

It was nearing the end of the class, much to the relief of just about everyone, but that didn't stop Bella from saying one last thing.

"Hey, guys," she began slowly and blandly, almost as if she was tone deaf. "I had sex, got pregnant, and almost died. All in the span of a couple of months."

Draco paled. "Excuse me. . . I have to go now."

The bell rang, saving Professor Lupin from further torture by humiliation and destruction of his shining reputation, and the students left the classroom, contemplating their teacher's sanity. But Harry knew that he would never be able to look at Hermione or Draco the same way again, and it would probably be best to just forget about the whole ghastly affair (excuse the pun). Cedric's memory would live on . . . er, what?

With a sidelong glance at the professor, who had resumed beating his head, Harry turned to his friend Ron and whispered, "Let's _never_ speak of this. _Ever_."

Ron agreed profusely.


End file.
